Rosch Haschanna y'all

So, it's been an actual year since my last post. To use the words of Comedy Dave from t' Chris Moyles Show, "the last 365 days have indeed been a year to me". Well, well. It has been quite something, this last one, though that still doesn't explain how I managed to completely fail to write all this time. Especially since several people came up to me 2008 telling me how they checked up on my scribbles every now and then. Oh well - maybe some of you will find these words sometime in 2009 and be pleased. Who knows? 'Appy Noo Year tooya, BTW, in case we haven't spoken personally. Straight in with the biggest single piece of news from last year, then. The photo above shows what pretty much all of 2008 was about for C and me - the birth of our first daughter, M. Scheduled for autumn, she decided she couldn't wait that long(mirroring our feelings to some extent, though being grown-ups, C and I have, of course long mastered the whole delayed satisfaction thing. Yeah, right.) and "popped out", as it were, in July. She was tiny, but God gave her strength to come through those initial dark days. Now, she's a bouncing, happy baby who seems to enjoy life as much as her parents do. Her arrival has meant many, many changes to pretty much every aspect of our lives and future plans, some expected, others less so. On the plus side, we now have a very swish estate (station wagon) to ferry us around and we are currently in mid-move to our first house. (The latter entailing, by means of warning, an expected month of offline-ness, so please don't be offended should you e-mail me/us in February and not hear back) Oh, and we've grown a lot closer to our families in many ways (a huge plus). Not as great were things like the setback to my already tight university study schedule. I'm now well behind my original plans to the extent that I'm currently teetering on the edge of maybe giving up and finding some other way of getting to wherever it is my life may be headed. But hey, I've never been one for straight paths and obvious, set career plans, as many of you will know. Oh, here's a promise: should I end up quitting my studies, I will definitely, definitely blog about it. So there. Had a couple of minutes with my little daughter earlier this afternoon (I'm s'posed to be cramming for a test right now, so am spending the day lashed to my desk in case I try running. Not like that would ever happen...) in between C's various trips. She's doing all the planning and preparation for the move, which makes sense given my need to be studying hard, but makes me dead jealous nonetheless. I absolutely detest not being able to chip in, especially when there's a big project that involves DIY, physical exertion, etc. *sigh* So anyway, M was on my lap, wide-eyed, taking everything in, making the occasional noise or smiling at me while I sang for her( Something I do unthinkingly whenever she's near. Always have, in fact, even before she was born. It's been one of the few things I COULD do for her during those tough early times, and it is the joy of my life to see how much she reacts to my voice now.). And, once again, I was struck by how extraordinary it is to have her, and how little I comprehend the fact that she's my daughter, here for life. I mean, people (typically those who don't have children yet) seem to take for granted that where there are married couples, there will automatically be children, provided it's what those couples want. These children, it seems, will simply pop out 9 months after the prospective Mum and Dad decide the time is right. They will be healthy at birth and grow up, by default, to be healthy, happy kids. Now, I'm not criticising anyone here - until a while ago, my own assumptions would have been very much the same and I would have freely shared my beliefs with anyone listening. What I have learnt, though, over the last two years, has led me to think the complete opposite. Now, I all but hold my breath anytime someone without children mentions the topic, as I see so many potential pitfalls, so much potential for worry, grief and disappointment. Yes, C's and my experience has been an extreme one (and one that's not necessarily easy to share or for others to understand), but nevertheless my world-view has changed dramatically and for a long time to come. My eyes have been opened - it feels as if I'm surrounded by people who have been unable to have children, who have suffered miscarriages or who have been faced with inexpressible burdens that accompany childbirth under any but the most normal conditions. I would sincerely like to apologise to anyone who's feelings I may have hurt over the years with snide comments dismissing the issue's seriousness. I hope I have learned my lesson. Attempt at earnesty over, the other side of this whole "shock and awe" thing is that I still can't seem to fathom on a personal level how this amazing, beautiful, living being that recognises my face, my voice and the touch of my hands could be my daughter. I mean, my very own daughter, mine, "flesh of my flesh", all that. She does look like me, that's undeniable (though, fortunately, neither beard nor pouch nor receding hairline are in evidence so far). And of course I have no doubt whatsoever over who her parents are. Still, you(I) find yourself looking down into a pair of eyes that are neither your own nor those of your wife and you(I) catch yourself just marvelling at the fact that she's there. Not to mention the fact that she loves and trusts us, and prefers our company over that of all others. And that she clearly knows we are "where she belongs". 6 months in, it's still so much of a miracle to me, and I doubt that will ever change, even after years of getting used to each other. (Maybe I should save a copy of these lines to my hard drive and re-read them once M hits puberty. Ha.) So, anway, I wanted to share all of this with you. At the moment, I'm not expecting the new year to be an easy one and am not feeling all-too buoyant in general. However, I do know that, whatever 2009 transpires to be, I'm now a Dad and proud as can be of my little baby. So, with that in mind, thank you as always for your thoughts and prayers and please don't hesitate to be in touch, okay? Our new lair is a bungalow-shaped affair, BTW, with a huge patio outside just waiting for warm summer evenings, barbeques and outdoors musickery. So swing by anytime and we'll catch up. Cheerio!

The weirdest thing

...just happened to me. I'm not really supposed to be blogging right now, but I feel like I must share this: I just had the oddest phonecall ever, one that is still sending shivers up and down my spine as I write. One of my all-time childhood heros just rang and, because I didn't answer the phone, left a message on my answering machine. No, I didn't have a clue it was going to be him, or else I would certainly have taken the call. As it is, I am now the proud owner of what may be a priceless historical piece of audio only to myself, but nonetheless one I am very proud of. Here goes: when I was a kid there was this band, "Arno&Andreas" whose cassettes and LPs I absolutely devoured. They were the best - 1970's-style Christian pop music with what can only be described as massive production and big, big sound (horn sections, slapped basslines, DX7 synth licks, hammond organs and percussion mayhem, the whole nine yards) as well as catchy melodies and ever-so-slightly oddball if unselfconscious lyrics. I never managed to see them live but I think it's fair to say I know greater parts of their musical oeuvre very, very well, to the point of being able to sing their songs by heart, instrumental solos and drum breaks included. I LOVED this band and was devastated when I found out they had quit playing together sometime in the late Eighties, I believe. To me, they encapsulated all that was great about Christian contemporary music and, in my opinion, no-one in Germany has ever come close to achieving the kind of greatness these guys had at the time. So, anyway, many many years later, C and I were sitting working in the office last night when I have this idea that, for an RE class C is teaching, she might be able to use one particular "Arno&Andreas" song that I hold in such fond memory. Unfortunately, I only have a this song on cassette, which means I have to go and rummage through huge boxes full of old tapes down in the cellar, alas finding myself unable to locate the MC in question. Undefeated, I go online (as, unbeknown to me, does Christine, who is well aware of my love for the band) and find that one of the former band members, Arno Backhaus, has a personal website (www.arno-backhaus.de) from where he is selling CD recordings of many of their classic albums. Yay! I fire off an e-mail order for the CD I know holds the track I was telling C about, only to find out later that evening that she has gone and done the same thing, thinking she might surprise me with a gift. So I get back on the computer and e-mail the website, asking them to recall my order as it would appear to have been unnecessary. And then, this very morning as I'm sitting writing up a long-overdue review for a friend's CD (the album "Pride of Creation" by CEIL), the phone rings and I listen in stunned silence as Arno Backhaus himself, one half of "Arno& Andreas", tells me that, in fact, C and I ordered disparate CDs, so he doesn't know now which one to send us. I swear I almost spray coffee all over my keyboard as I hear the words "hi, this is Arno Backhaus calling" emerge in a calm, friendly voice from my answerphone's tinny little speaker. Honestly, it feels like having, say, Dave Matthews ring to say sorry I wasn't entirely happy with his band's latest album and would I mind getting back to him for some feedback. I'm totally blown away! I've no idea what Mr Backhaus does for a living these days (his website seems to suggest that maybe he's not entirely sure himself, though he appears to be doing well enough at whatever it is he does), but I do know he's just delivered me an absolute once-in-a-lifetime memory, the kind of story I fear my dear grandchildren will someday be so sick of that they will refuse to come visit eventually. Isn't life random sometimes? Cheerio!

Long time no blog

Hiya! Gosh, how I'd love to be writing this to say "hello and welcome back y'all - I'm gonna be a-bloggin' agin!" That, however, shall remain a dream for now - at least until I finally pass that Greek exam. God willing (never a more appropriate phrase) this will be sometime in spring next year. Gah! What a horribly long wait. Well, let me at least use this briefest of opportunities (if "opportunity" is the right word to describe the cumulative after-effects of a bank holiday spent entirely on the couch watching DVDs and missing my wife. It's about three in the morning right now and I really, REALLY shouldn't be doing this) to do a tiny little "egg roll", err blogroll (thanks, enidd, for the loan of your term). One writer/blogger in particular I would love to draw your attention to as I think her skills are truly extraordinary: check out my friend Trudy's blogs - this one at blogger, that one at Shoutlife and the other one detailing some of her daily life as a missionary in Hungary. We (C&I) have been privileged to be personal friends with Trudy and her family and C is in fact currently visiting them as I write these lines. Lucky her! Anyway, I'm afraid that'll have to be all for now. Sorry to everyone whose blogs I haven't managed to keep up with recently - I do try to at least read, if not comment, but even that's become a rare thing these days. So, sorry and I hope to be back soon. Cheerio and God bless!

Summer - break! Err, sorry, got it wrong again

Weak attempts at humour aside, hello again and welcome. Yes, the holidays have arrived, finally. And no, that doesn't mean I don't have a ton of things I really ought to be doing at the minute. What it does mean is that, for right now, I simply can't be bothered to work on any of my projects and shall instead enjoy taking the leisure of a little internet hobnob with you. I hope you've all been keeping well and I've tried to keep up with most people's blogs as best I could. For the non-bloggers among my huge and varied audience (cue dry laughter), I trust you're also well and breathing. Don't forget - heal the world, make it a better place. For you and for me, for the entire human race. Or something... (gotten into Chris Moyles' podcasts quite a bit recently. I guess it's showing)

(this image courtesy of www.search.com)

Seamlessly breaking one of Wendz' Ten Blogging Commandments (for reasons beyond my weak little brain, Blogger never, ever believes my html so I can't, for the life of me, get proper paragraphs. Hence the piccie instead), I'd like to move on and talk about something that's been close to my heart for a while now. No, not my chest hair (that's close, though, too) - the question of why love can be such a complicated and, at times, grievous affair. Maybe you don't know what I mean and think I'm talking rubbish. After all, love is supposed to be easy, to come naturally, to be all fluffy pink clouds (or "fruffy ping crowds", as a dearly beloved friend from Hongkong might put it) and sunshine. You fall in love, your hearts meet and intertwine, you ride off into the sunset and enter that place known to hopeless romantics as "happy ever after". Only that, in my experience (and, I think, in the experience of most long-term lovers and countless parents of children all over the world), it doesn't work quite like that. For reasons that, quite often, even the persons involved can't explain themselves, lovers and people in close-knit relationships tend to hurt each other, to wind each other up and irritate one another on all kinds of levels. Huge blows may be dealt, such as infidelity or breaches of trust, but most often it seems to be smaller things, minor incidents, small niggles, subtleties, that cause aggravation in the long run. Often, there is insecurity involved - affection is not shown adequately because of lacking self-esteem, urges and desires in a relationship are suppressed because the partner feeling the urge is embarrassed of themselves, etc. Whatever the cause, all long-term interpersonal love relationships (gosh, I sound like a shrink. Okay, so I'm an ex-shrink) seem to go through phases where the supposed heaven of partnership/matrimony/family turns out to be more of the opposite, and where "other options" such as leaving, withdrawal or taking a hiatus may hold great appeal, if only momentarily.

(this image courtesy of www.lasplash.com)

Now, I'm a Christian and as such, I believe that God and I have a personal relationship that is, in some ways, comparable to our human relationships. Maybe I should add that C and I are currently on our summer break (me from uni, C from teaching) and "coming down" from the exertions of working life. This inevitably tends to exacerbate the amount of tension and friction we encounter together. I caught myself fuming over some small disagreement/misunderstanding the other day and thinking "Why, oh why can't you just trust me for once? I've never disappointed you on this one..." And suddenly I was struck by the astounding similarity between what I experience in my relationship with C and the kind of frustration God must feel in His relationship with me sometimes. Quick disclaimer: I am in NO way comparing myself to God here. That's not at all what I mean. What I'm talking about is that almost everyone in a love relationship inevitably hits a point of frustration, of wanting, if only for a second, to throw in the towel and despair of the whole affair. And, looking at my own walk with God, I can see loads and loads of big and little things where I'm pretty darn sure God must be tearing his hair out in frustration at my behaviour. Like when I know something I want to do is wrong and will take me away from God's presence (that's my definition of sin, BTW - something that separates me from God's love), and I go and do it anyway because I want to. Then, after I've screwed up, I'll come complaining and moaning to God at how unhappy I am and how I want for Him to make everything okay again. Only that I've not done my part in sorting things out and instead, want Him to perform some sort of miracle to right my wrongs with no involvement on my side. If there's one thing I believe very firmly, then it is that faith in God does not take away responsibility for my actions. So, I know that the onus for making up is on me, but instead of acting, I'll continue my litany of moans and whimpers and hope that if I keep my eyes closed for long enough, the problem will somehow go away. Can you see where I'm heading? I picture God in reaction to my calls for help, caught between wanting to help me because He loves me very much and wanting to give me a right good kick in the backside for being so benightedly stupid at the same time. Anyway, what I ended up thinking (and this is what I've been trying to get to for the last 2 million or so words) is that maybe one of the reasons our relationships can be so complicated is because they are, to some extent, mirror images of how God feels towards us. On one hand, He desperately wants to be close to us (that's what we were created for according to the Bible - to be relationship partners with God), yet on the other hand, because He loves us so much, He's given us freedom of choice to do whatever we want with our lives. Yes, He does get frustrated, but unlike us He never, never gives up. And while that's one of the things that separates me from God, I also find inspiration to hang in there and exercise patience, maybe even real grace in my personal, human relationships because I know that there's someone who won't ever give up on me no matter how often or how badly I screw up. So, there!

And now, the time has come...

Hello once again. Thank you for all your comments, support and questions about where I've been. I really appreciate your support and concern. Okay, so here's what's going on right now in my life; essentially, I'm just frightfully busy. No, I'm not moaning or complaining here - it's just the way things are and it is also why I've not posted a thing over the last month or two. Being a student and trying to make some money in my freetime has simply turned out to be more than suits my blogging habits. Not only has my own output been zero, I haven't even managed to keep track of anyone else's blogs. That makes me sad, yet at the minute I don't see how I could change anything without having to sacrifice time spent on my studies or with my wife. And as these two happen to be the most immediately important things I'm doing right now, I guess this boils down to priorities and setting them the best way I know how. So, while there's lots I'd love to tell you about (such as the thrill of managing main stage at a festival with 35,000 people, or the ups and downs of life as a theology student/commuter, or just personal rants on various subjects), I'm afraid I won't be doing so for a while, unless some major and unexpected change crops up enabling me to balance the blogosphere more evenly against the narrowly-labelled "real world". What I will do is try to check in sporadically and try to keep tabs at least roughly on other people's blogs. Those other people will definitely include Shelly, who has been both a very kind fellow blogger and a highly inspirational, thought-provoking blog read, Enidd whose writing makes me laugh so hard that I tend to snort tea from my nostrils, and of course Wendz, whom I admire hugely (and have some sort of secret crush on, I think). Many others deserve a mention, of course, but I shall take the liberty of being unfair and selective, mostly for reasons of time. I hope to be back some day and wish all of you out there the best of luck and, if I may, the blessings of the God I personally happen to believe in. Be safe and see you around, okay?

breaking the fast

Hello there! First off, thanks for all your comments - wow, looks like people are still reading this blog after all! Meanwhile, I'm still officially "on hold" with the blogging, but I also happened to ask enidd to interview me before I left, and seeing as Her Enidness might well be offended should I scorn her kindness, here's a quick something to answer those questions...

1. you're guaranteed a decent income for life. what do you spend your days doing? Oooh, tricky one. There's several things I'm tempted to say. First off is "I finally go ahead and get this rockstar thing off the ground and flying. Now that I'm financially uninhibited and can invest everything I make into my music, fame and riches here I come!" Then again, I'm not sure that really is what I'd do. Okay, so I've been mulling this over a bit and here's what I'd WANT myself to be doing if that ever happened: I'd want to be out there on the street, talking to people (and maybe singing to them, too) and trying to spread the hope I find in my faith by sharing love. Now, how hippie bum does that sound? Anyway, it's what I hope I'd have the guts to do, given the chance...
2. what's your philosophy of life in a single sentence? Love God and love people. That was easy...
3. you can spend a year abroad. which country would you choose? We-eell, that's way harder now. See, I've hardly been anywhere outside of Europe, and would LURVE to travel. I guess Oz or NZ spring to mind. I'm a summer person, so places like Hawaii or SoCal (or even the lovely Languedoc in the south of France) all hold an irresistible lure, too. I'd quite like to spend a year in "Hillerman Country", i.e. Arizona as I'm a massive fan of his detective novels (Tony Hillerman, that is). Heck, there's about a thousand places I could think of that sound appealing. Ideally, it'd be somewhere by the sea and with a warm climate. Perfection would be a house on the beach with a boat or two to play with in my free time. Will that do?
4. which do you prefer to read - fact or fiction? Hmm. Scanning my bookshelves, I'm actually surprised at how much scientific/fact-oriented/non-fictional literature I seem to have gotten through over the last couple of years. My first instinct was to go for fiction as my clear favourite. However, I also like things like biographies and topical works. For something to curl up with by the fireside in the evening, fiction wins hands down, though.
5. you've invited enidd round for dinner. what do you cook? Oh gosh, that's a tough one. See, my cooking is limited mostly to traditional German/Swabian dishes, which tend to be fairly substantial and not terribly elegant affairs. Provided Enidd was up for the German equivalent of country fayre, I would serve up the following:

• As an aperitif, something we call "Eiswein" - wine made from grapes picked very, very late in the year when the first frost has come. Eiswein is quite sweet and fruity, with touches of honey and various spices in its bouquet.
• For starters, a soup with Maultaschen (a kind of noodle filled with cabbage, ground meat and herbs), Flädle (strips of pancake) and Knödel (dumplings). This is known as a "Festtagssuppe" in Swabia and would traditionally be served at weddings and other special occasions.
• A green salad made up of lettuce, field salad and roquette, dressed with a touch of balsamico vinegar, pistachios and roasted sunflower seed. Okay, this isn't necessarily Swabian, but it sure tastes good...
• Main course would be a "Rostbraten" (a lean rumpsteak fried up in a rich sauce and garnished with onion rings) with home-made "Spätzle" noodles, "Brägele" (fried potatoes) and Sauerkraut (a type of cabbage marinated in wine with spices). Speaking of wine, I believe a fruity, semi-dry Trollinger-Lemberger or dry Schwarzriesling (Pinot Noir) could work here. Alternatively, a lighter Schillerweinmight be served depending on Enidd's preference. All wines would, of course, come from my home valley and I would be happy to show off by telling her about of the joys of grape harvesting, October sun on multi-coloured vineyard foliage, childhood memories, etc.
• Finally, before the wine and cheese, we would have something called "Pfitzauf" - a kind of soufflé served with vanilla ice cream and cranberry sauce.
• I'm no expert on cheese, but I'm pretty sure we could find a selection of wines to be sampled that might please even Enidd and The Man's distinguished tastes...

Howzat? Thanks for the interview, Enidd, and thank you-all for reading. Cheerio then...

Announcement

Heya! I know, I know - haven't exactly been regular in my posting, even during the semester break, which has now been over for a week. And, guess what - I don't see how this is going to change much. Yes, there's plenty of stuff I've come across recently that seems blogworthy to me, but surprise, surprise, I can't seem to find the time and commitment to get it up here in writing. So, for now, I fear I shall be continuing the way I have recently - i.e. blogging whenever I can find time to get something written. Yes, I DO realise that this is exactly how you successfully kill off any attempts at building a regular body of readers. But then, as those of you who may have been checking in regularly will long have found, it's the way things have been for months already, so why make a fuss and pretend I'm going to change? I'm not, not unless for some reason I shall find myself housebound for any longer period of time. And as that's not on the cards for now, here's the plan: I WILL blog. But I will only do so when I honestly feel I'm not compromising my chances of success in my studies and jeopardising the balance of my marriage relationship. I sincerely hope that some of you at least will come back and check on me from time to time. For the rest, well, I hope you were able to glean some sort of enjoyment from my scribblings. Feel free to watch this space, and, as the Terminator said, "I'll be back!" Cheerio